I don't really know how to start this one.. I'm back into my depression again, and I'm feeling like a major screw up. while talking to my friend i came to a realization.. i will never truly love myself. i will always hate myself. i will never accept myself for who i am, because i don't know who i am anymore. as my mother has told me in the past, I'm so full of lies i don't even know what the truth is anymore. and maybe i don't. but i do know that my life is a mess and its no ones fault but my own. for those people I've blamed for this I'm sorry. but to myself I'm nothing. i will never be anything or anyone important. and i hate everything about myself.
I'm fat. you re all thinking "oh no you're not stop it" but i am. i am the opposite of anorexia. i cant just stop eating. i cant stop eating period. honestly i eat a lot, way more than i should. and its killing me because i cant make myself stop anymore. i don't know when to stop. i eat all hours of the day to deal with things. light fighting with people over stupid things.
my stepfather and i have been fighting again lately because i stay up all night and sleep all day. i cant help it. my body tells me to. i just cant sleep at night anymore. i remember once when i was little, i stayed up the whole night just staring at my nightlight, with no sense of time passing. he doesn't get it that i already feel bad because I'm supposed to help my mom. shes been sick. and i feel horrible because i cant stay awake during the day to help her out.
okay.. here's some of my secrets. i guess ill start with the big one that Ive been keeping from my family. most of my friends know this one already..
i am bisexual.
NO BEFORE YOU THINK IT THIS IS NOT FOR ATTENTION! i discovered i was attracted to girls back in seventh grade. kinda early i know, but i began thinking about girls like i thought about boys, how it would feel to kiss them, to hold their hand and have it mean more than friendship.. i decided to tell my friends, but i never told my parents. i was always unsure how they would react. but now I'm throwing it to the wind and letting them know, I LIKE GIRLS AND BOYS!
secret two:
i told my real father off, (no cursing or anything) then i felt horrible for it.. i felt even worse when it was his birthday a Lil bit later. and i sent him a "happy birthday" message.. he wont talk to me now.
there... that's all you get for tonight everyone. bye...
~Sabrina~
