Alone

well. zach broke up with me. im single now. maybe its for the best. im always going to love him though, because, well.. i promised. and i try my best not to break those promises.. so.. yeah... im going to go lay in my dark room and heal now... bye.

A sad 'doctor who' lover

Wearing a very sad smile and bearing a very heavy heart, I turn off my xbox (with Netflix) with just three episodes of 'doctor who' left. I'm just not ready to watch the man I've fallen totally in love with die. I know you all believe he isn't real but somewhere in the back of my mind and the corners of my heart I still believe, maybe, just maybe he's real. Ha.. I guess I'm like river.. In love with a man destined to die, just not at my own hand. Maybe one day I'll be able to meet him, the doctor, the most amazing, funny, sweet, kind, god complex having doctor.. Perhaps, he could save me one day... How? I'm not quite sure. But I believe in him. And doesn't believing in something, willing for something to happen, end up eventually making it happen..? I will be Sabrina kent, the Other girl who waited. And I will wait for my lovely doctor for the rest of my life here on this earth. Why, you may ask? Because I have fallen totally and completely in love with him. And he is the only man, besides my boyfriend, that I will ever truly love. But until then, I will love my beautiful boyfriend zach, who got me into this in the first place, and who I love just as much as the doctor. I wonder if the doctor would be mad if we domesticated the TARDIS hahaha! Just a madman with a box. A beautiful blue box that happens to be my favorite color, and is bigger on the inside. That's all for now readers.. Safe traveling fellow time lords.

Acceptance of myself

I don't really know how to start this one.. I'm back into my depression again, and I'm feeling like a major screw up. while talking to my friend i came to a realization.. i will never truly love myself. i will always hate myself. i will never accept myself for who i am, because i don't know who i am anymore. as my mother has told me in the past, I'm so full of lies i don't even know what the truth is anymore. and maybe i don't. but i do know that my life is a mess and its no ones fault but my own. for those people I've blamed for this I'm sorry. but to myself I'm nothing. i will never be anything or anyone important. and i hate everything about myself.

I'm fat. you re all thinking "oh no you're not stop it" but i am. i am the opposite of anorexia. i cant just stop eating. i cant stop eating period. honestly i eat a lot, way more than i should. and its killing me because i cant make myself stop anymore. i don't know when to stop. i eat all hours of the day to deal with things. light fighting with people over stupid things.

my stepfather and i have been fighting again lately because i stay up all night and sleep all day. i cant help it. my body tells me to. i just cant sleep at night anymore. i remember once when i was little, i stayed up the whole night just staring at my nightlight, with no sense of time passing. he doesn't get it that i already feel bad because I'm supposed to help my mom. shes been sick. and i feel horrible because i cant stay awake during the day to help her out.

okay.. here's some of my secrets. i guess ill start with the big one that Ive been keeping from my family. most of my friends know this one already..

i am bisexual.

NO BEFORE YOU THINK IT THIS IS NOT FOR ATTENTION! i discovered i was attracted to girls back in seventh grade. kinda early i know, but i began thinking about girls like i thought about boys, how it would feel to kiss them, to hold their hand and have it mean more than friendship.. i decided to tell my friends, but i never told my parents. i was always unsure how they would react. but now I'm throwing it to the wind and letting them know, I LIKE GIRLS AND BOYS!

secret two:

i told my real father off, (no cursing or anything) then i felt horrible for it.. i felt even worse when it was his birthday a Lil bit later. and i sent him a "happy birthday" message.. he wont talk to me now.

there... that's all you get for tonight everyone. bye...
~Sabrina~

kitten!

hey guys! i got a new kitten on friday. my aunt christa found the little fuzzy baby in her yard right before it began to rain. so she couldnt leave the baby there! she brought her into her house and kept it for two days while i convinced my mother to let us take it in. we dont know if its a boy or girl yet, but my moms gunna take it to the vet tomorrow to get a check up. so maybe we'll find out. anywhooo, heres a picture of the little baby. we named it mouse cuz he/she is so tiny. <3

Birthdays, love, and a bit more.

Okay, lets talk birthdays. mine isn't until September, and I'll be seventeen this year. you know.. its kinda hard for me to understand how i can remember my friends birthdays, and i usually buy/make something for them, but then they dont remember mine. last year NO ONE remembered my birthday in school. and that kinda hurt.. and its hard to me to see all these girls posting about "OMG tonight was my sixteenth birthday! the BEST sweet sixteen everrrrr!" when i didn't have one... yeah. i didn't have a sweet sixteen.. isn't every girl supposed to have one, so they can wear a dress, feel pretty and have their friends over all dressed up n partying? oh and don't forget the cake!... i didn't have a cake either. but my Lil brother who's birthday is the day before mine had a cake, and a party. not fair much?

LOVE! its in the air around everyone lately. its like everyone is falling in love with everyone and gearing up for those summer romances. (my summer starts in about seven weeks or so) and its kinda annoying. i see these couples making out in the hallways and its like GET A ROOM! i mean don't get me wrong, i like to kiss my man but not like that in public man! especially in school!. but these kids don't get in trouble! the teachers literally standing not even two feet from them! just gross >.<

I'm currently listening to "Capri" by colbie caillat. and it reminds me of how much i look forward to being a mother someday. i even have names picked out. for a boy i like Lucas Michael (insert future husbands last name here) and for a girl i like Anya (on-ya) Marie (insert future husbands last name here). i picked Michael for the middle name because i made a promise to my friend that id name my first born son after him. ha ha. i try my hardest not to break my promises so his middle name shall be Michael! ha ha. and Marie is my Nana's middle name. Soo yeah ha ha.

okay well I'm tired so that's all for now. OH WAIT! um, i have testing tomorrow so i might not post, and um i might just start posting on the weekends or something. idk. meh. GOODNIGHT! :D

good morning blog readers!

its 4am right now. i just finished a cup of coffee and finished talking to my new friend jeremy. i have not fallen asleep, i did mention im an insomniac right? ANYWAYS. im going to attempt a happier... err more upbeat post this early morning. i went to my boyfriends house earlier (last night i guess) maybe i should tell you more about him. his name is zach. he has black hair, (but its naturally brown) and beautiful chocolate brown eyes that i fall deeper in love with everytime i look into them. hes super sweet to me, and has talked me down from my epic-bad mood swings. oh, and HE SPOILS ME! i tell him not to but he does it anyways. he says he likes to spoil me, and that it makes him happy to see me happy.
i will probably start mentioning my 'rat pack' a little in upcoming posts, and this one obviously. the 'rat pack' is my group of friends, a total of.... (im trying to count them all).... oh forget it haha i dont know how many of us there are exactly, but we all love eachother. WAIT. dont even think like that! not like that. we look at eachother like brothers/sisters. at least, thats how i see it. then theres my second group of friends, theres not alot of us in that one, but thats okay. i love all my friends honestly. i guess ill name the second group the 'mini-pack'. yes. that suits the 'mini-pack' quite nicely. hahaha. oh and those of you from either group reading this, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE dont take offence to the group names.

want to hear about my family? i'll start with those i live with, then work outward from there. okay, theres my mom, shes my number one hero. she keeps me strong when i feel like im crumbling. yeah we've had our aruguments/fights, about my unclean room, or dishes being left. but she's my mom. shes been through alot. my bio-dad wasnt a good guy. she left and had a few boyfriends between then and my stepdad, (none of which i really liked for long anyways. so its all good) then next thing i know we're in hawaii and shes married, with my baby sister on the way. (i was excited to be a big sister. i even had a shirt! >:D then of course, my sister cried. -.-;) my baby sister cheyenne is nine going on nineteen but i love her, and shes a dancer. cody is eight (he and chey are fifteen months apart) and loves skateboarding. hes also obsessed with wearing shawn white brand clothes. then theres tommy, hes five, and is just like his older brother. all us kids play xbox, and we're pretty good at COD together if i do say so myself. haha. however, we screen peek eachother like crazy :O

uhm thats all ill write for today i guess. posts will be a bit less frequent because school starts again monday so.... yeah =/

WELLLLLLL goodnight, im going to go pass out now up in my cozy warm bed. :D

~Sabrina~

Friday The Thirteenth

Well i WAS going to write something else, then i realized that today's date is

Friday, April thirteenth, 2012.

FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH!
Most people say its a 'bad omen' or 'bad luck' day. bull. its another normal day. you guys all just Psyche yourselves out thinking "OHMIGAWD its Friday the thirteenth! something bads going to happen today! OHHH NOOOOOES~~~~" uhm. no. if something bad does happen, I'm sorry but that's just coincidence. i find it funny how whenever its a "Friday the thirteenth" no one notices until somebody points it out. so here i am pointing it out. lets see how many superstitious people come out of the woodwork. I'll be honest, i check for serial killers in my closet, behind the shower curtain, and behind large objects. but I'm just an paranoid insane teen girl remember? ha ha.. yeah but really i do those things. do you all remember when we used to have our moms/dads/grandparents check under our beds and in our closets for monsters? i think we stopped checking for them when we unconsciously figured out the monsters were inside us. as in, once we hit the age of about...eight? (however, i then discovered horror films, and now I'm addicted to them. hence why I NEVER SLEEP!!!!) i was... AM afraid of the dark because i cant see. we are all afraid of things we cant see. someone reading this is probably scared of the dark still (like me) or maybe they're scared of seeing things out of the corner of their eye because you can never really see those things. who knows. anyways, not gonna spend much more time on this. so, enjoy this fabulously NORMAL day. i hope you guys have a good one. i have a feeling i will be.

Bree-bear.
no, never mind, I'll write in my real name now.
Your Blogger,
~Sabrina~

Keep Breathing

Okay. take a deep breath, and exhale. now repeat throughout the day, and don't die. okay?

That's what i said to myself this morning. and it got me up and moving so to speak. i find it hard to stay motivated right now, because I'm on spring break. however, my friends are all going out and having a nice time, having LIVES. and i sit here at home, doing nothing, being nothing, occasionally forgetting to breathe. i haven't left the house except for to go to dinner last night with my stepfather and siblings. but i don't count that, because of a fight with my little brother Cody, my dad restricted my cellphone use so i cant text past 6pm.. that's what threw me all the way over the edge i guess. because that was the only way i could talk to my boyfriend, who was traveling at the time. anyways, i was asked by said boyfriend if i wanted to go see the hunger games with him. WELL A-DUH! but my mom and dad were at the hospital and i was babysitting... SO i couldn't go...but okay... that's fine. so he asked if he could come over. i though: no... dad will say no.. but he had me ask. dad said no, now were both depressed. we haven't seen each other since our spring break started. anyways.. talking on the phone is all we can do. well, that and keep breathing..

Bree-Bear.

The Very First Post

Well readers,

As you can guess by the title, I’m an "Insane Teenager" and I’m a girl. I apologize for any misspellings; I’m not the best speller. I started this blog because my friend used hers to reach out to me when I felt like ending my life on this earth. She’s a great friend and I love her dearly. I am a self-diagnosed bi-polar / insomnia ridden / suicidal love addict. I’ll be straight forward, I probably won’t be consistent with my posts, but I’ll try. So how about we start with a bit of background shall we?

Where to start?

well my biological father, or bio-dad as I refer to him some times (or sperm donor, but you'll understand that in a little bit) was never really around, I still wonder today if he loves me, or ever loved me for that matter. I’m also not his first or only child. Here comes the sperm donor explanation. All together my father has contributed to making six kids, my twin older sisters, my older brother, me, my younger brother and my younger sister. my older sisters are about a year, give or take a few months, older than me, my older brother is four months older than me, and the younger ones, I’m not even sure because I never really got to see them much. I’m a bad big sister, I forgot their birthdays. Then again I never really knew their birthdays. Anyways, that’s just on my father’s side. I have three more siblings on my mother’s side, a younger sister and two younger brothers. I have no full siblings; they are all half-siblings. My bio-dad is married now, and my mom has been married for ten years now, going on eleven. I’ve never accepted my stepfather as my dad. Honestly I don’t know if I ever will. I feel guilty because I constantly throw that back in his face, that he’s not my dad. But sometimes I don’t regret it later. My mom’s really sick right now, and just came home from the hospital. I won’t give you details thought. I’m also hiding a big secret from my parents. Anyways, more about me. I love to sing, write poetry and stories, and draw. Music is my life. I used to play cello but I gave that up. I want to play guitar but no one will teach me how. I have a boyfriend that I love with all my heart. However sometimes I wonder if he really loves me or not. I’ve been hurt so many times before that I have ALOT of trust issues. Well I think that’s all I’ll post for the first entry. Stay tuned for more..? Oh who am I kidding I doubt anyone will read this...

Bree-Bear